Joseph Phelps Vineyards, Napa Valley
As soon as my husband and I got off the plane, I was feeling a little sick to my stomach. So we decided to do what any reasonable God-fearing, red-blood American would do: we went to a winery. This place was in Napa Valley. As soon as we arrived we realized it was a massive estate that was really nice looking with high ceilings in the winery, and like, sticks in vases. Sticks in vases isn’t even a plant. But that’s how you know you’re some place fancy. We clearly didn’t belong there.
We were seated by our wine expert outside overlooking the vineyard. She gave us a tray of snacks and some wine to try. There were little almonds and little breadsticks and little green olives. She said salt cleanses the palette. And when she left I muttered under my breath, “That’s good enough reason for me to take all this shit home,” as I shoveled the snacks and wine into my open purse.
When our expert came back she asked what we thought of the wine. “Excellent,” we said in unison slowly and robotically. “I really liked the talons,” I added. That’s the part of the wine that makes it bitter, probably.
After about 4-5 more wines to taste, we soaked up the view of the vineyard, some hills in the distance, and plenty of birds of prey looking for a dead carcass to feast on.
Then it got late and we had to leave because I was hiding an empty wine glass under my shirt like it was a pregnancy belly, and the staff didn’t find it funny. But they were wrong. It was funny.
Founders Grove Nature Trail, Humboldt Redwoods State Park
Let me tell you about big trees. You think you know big trees? You think you know a 900 year old tree? Has a private chuckle Oh yeah? What if I told you a tree could be even BIGGER, and OLDER than 900 years? Well, then you’d be at Founder’s Grove. The redwoods tower over you and all your friends. Some of the trees, ok a lot of trees, have fallen over. When I went to count the rings, I stopped after 900 because counting is so boring, but the tree was older than 900 years old.
The trees probably witnessed the birth of the Declaration of Independence, and the Civil War, and the other wars. Pretty crazy, huh? Just something I think about when in untamed America.
Lady Bird Johnson Grove Trail, Redwood National Park
The coolest part of this trail is when you not only see the giant redwoods, but there’s a smooth bridge that goes over the roadway to the forest. I was going to play “Pinecones” but my husband begged me not to. Oh, “Pinecones” is when you throw pinecones at oncoming traffic and run away when they get mad at you.
Pope Beach
Ever wanted to go to an alpine lake, but you just can’t find one? Consider: Pope Beach. It’s right on South Lake Tahoe, it’s cold, and people love swimming it and sunning their bellies in the glory of the ball of fire in the sky that beams down on them all summer. We laid on the sandy shore and read books and waded in the water. My book was about geography, which, my husband pointed out, I had been reading upside down the whole time! My husband’s book was probably about how to be a NASA astronaut because he’s so intelligent he could probably work for NASA.
Is NASA still around? I can’t remember if the government cut its funding to zero or not. Haha that’d be hilarious! How else do we plan to get to Mars??
Castle Air Museum, Merced
One thing I noticed about the air museum was the 50 signs everywhere saying, “NO FIREARMS ALLOWED IN THE MUSEUM,” which, I guess must be a pretty big problem. So when I got there I opened the trunk and put away all my numerous firearms I carry for protection, as well as a grenade, in case of all out warfare.
I like to stay safe like that.
The museum includes a ton of planes that take up acres of land to display all the planes and helicopters. There were a lot of World War II planes, I noticed.
One plane had an attractive woman painted on the side. Ok, there was more than one with a lady painted on it. Not exactly what we would do these days to our planes. Nowadays, we paint a shirtless Channing Tatum, rippling pecs, dripping with sweat, on the side of the plane.
You know, for equality.
Lower Yosemite Falls Trail, Yosemite National Park
This was my favorite part of the trip, Yosemite National Park. The mountains take up all of the sky. You just drive through the side of windy mountains through the park the whole time, white knuckle driving the whole time. It’s so massive it makes you feel like an ant with no friends.
We went to a waterfall called Lower Yosemite Falls. It was tall and I was surprised it had running water because it was summer and I read that it’s usually dried up then. After taking a professional looking photo on my phone, we decided it was time to head to our lodging.
When we arrived at the family resort we were going, we headed to the outdoor pool. There was a bar by the pool. “Can… we… do that?” my husband and I asked each other.
We walked over to the bar and I ordered a pina colada because I like drinks that are basically a popsicle for children plus some booze. The booze is not for children though.
My favorite part of whole trip was drinking my pina colada by the pool with my husband after swimming. We started laughing at stuff and making jokes but I was feeling pretty tipsy so I don’t really remember any of it.
South Tufa Loop Trail, Mono Lake
Last but not least, we headed to Mono Lake. It had a visitor center, which I screamed about when I saw it, because I love visitor centers. I really wanted to see a topographical map of the region so I could touch it, just like everyone else, and immediately get the flu.
The lake has formations in it that look like stalagmites but they’re not in a cave, buddy. They’re sticking out of the lake.
We decided to go on a trail around the lake outside. We saw so many little lizard guys. So many little lizard guys. And ants. But you know what? There’s ants everywhere on earth, and they rule the planet. We’re just renting the land from the ants. This is ant planet now.
What were we talking about again?
Conclusion
Overall, I give California 5 out of 5 stars. There’s a reason it’s so popular. It has a wide variety of natural wonders to visit, as well as good west coast food with avocados on it. Do you have any idea how expensive an avocado is? And California just puts it on their burgers and toast.
Just knowing that, you might think California is too fancy for you, and let me tell you: The dress code everywhere is casual. So enjoy those dad baseball caps and mom jeans all you want and keep California dreamin’.
<3,
Shannon O’Brien